A Bathroom Stop Loses the Million for Kisha & Jen

Our final three teams are set! Kisha & Jen were ahead of the snotty, bitchy redheads but Jen absolutely had to go to the bathroom and the redheads managed to beat them to the Mat by seconds. Gotta wonder if Jen regretted stopping to pee (as opposed to wetting herself on national television) - that was a million-dollar tinkle!

So here’s how it went down....

As we saw last week, poor Jamie & Cara (and I say that loosely, they are my team in the office pool but they really tick me off) were bummed at the Mat when Phil handed them a clue and told them to keep racing. The clue told them to go to Bai Hai Dong Men and find the clue box there. The cosmic gods were smiling as Jamie opened the cab door, bent down to get something on the ground, and the door swung shut on her head. (If the cab drivers can’t be nasty, the vehicles will take care of it!) They got to the clue box there just as Margie & Luke arrived at the Mat and Phil handed them their clue. Victor & Tammy were just as surprised and Kisha & Jen were both surprised and ecstatic, expecting to be eliminated and getting a clue from Phil to keep going. They jumped in a cab and Kisha tried to pronounce their destination to the driver, who cracked up at her attempt. Kisha laughed and said "Hey, I tried!"

Once at Bai Hai Dong Men (and just for the heck of it, I checked the translation. Bai is "100" - Hai is "still in progress" or "ocean/sea" - Dong is "to use" or "east" - and Men is "gate or door." So they went to the Hundred Ocean East Gate. Or the Hundred Still in Progress to Use the Door...) the clue told them to search the shops on the street and find a Travelocity Roaming Gnome statue. Travelocity must pay a fortune for this product placement, they get special camera shots and are drug all over by the teams. Cara & Jamie had problems finding the gnome and Tammy & Victor and Margie & Luke caught up and they all searched the shops together. Margie & Luke found the gnome first and read the clue on the bottom to go to Gu Gong Xi Bei Jiao (and no, I’m not looking that one up) and find electric bicycles. Cara & Jamie managed to find their gnome and joined Margie & Luke in looking for a cab. Tammy & Victor passed a gnome up in a clothing shop as Kisha & Jen got to the location and started looking. Tammy & Victor finally find the statue and hop into a cab (here’s where their knowledge of the language really helped them) and by then, Margie & Luke have found a cab as well. Cara & Jamie manage to get a cab but Jamie doesn’t make friends - again - because she shoved the gnome (with the location of their destination printed on the bottom) in the front seat of the cab, scaring the driver. (She’s lucky he didn’t toss her out of the cab at that point). She kept haranguing the driver "do you know where this is? Do you? Just say yes or no!" Ya gotta wonder how she is at any businesses, like, say a fast-food restaurant drive-thru. Sometimes you can’t tell if it’s English being spoken through those speakers, and I can just see Jamie screeching at the clown face trying to order. "Cheeseburger! Why is it so hard to understand? Doesn’t anyone speak English any more??!!"

Tammy & Victor get to the bicycles first and take off to ride through the Forbidden City and across Tiananmen Square on their way to Dongdan subway station. I guess they didn’t see the part in their clue that said "electric" bicycles because they started pedaling before Tammy noticed there were controls on her handlebars allowing her to coast.

The clue at the subway station was a Detour: Beijing Opera or Chinese Waiter. In Beijing Opera, teams had to travel to the Hu Guang Hui Guan Opera House where they would make each other up as a princess and gentleman at the Chinese opera. After being fully made up and costumed, they had to present themselves to the opera master to receive their next clue. In Chinese Waiter, teams had to travel to Hu Guang Hui Guan restaurant and select a table of hungry patrons. The customers would give their orders in Mandarin and teams would have to recite the orders back to the chef. When they recited the orders correctly, the kitchen staff would prepare the dishes. When all of the dishes had been served, teams would receive their next clue.
Of course, Tammy & Victor relished the thought of using their language skills to fly through the Chinese Waiter challenge. As they ran into the restaurant, Victor joked "If we can’t do this task Mom and Dad will kill us." They did great, on the first try they got four out of five orders correct - they translated "good luck fish" to "good luck squid" and had to try again. The second time, Victor told Tammy "you say it" and then talked right along with her. I thought you were going to back off a little, big brother! They were right this time and served their food, getting their next clue.

In the meantime, Kisha & Jen decided to go to the Beijing Opera. Kisha told Jen she wanted to be the princess because "I’ve never been a princess in my life." Jen put the makeup on Kisha who said "I look like a damn clown" and Jen added, "You’re gonna scare a lot of children." Margie & Luke showed up shortly after and Luke began making up his mother, and doing an awful job of it. He overdid the powder (and Margie’s gonna get lung cancer because of it - who knows how much lead is in that powder, not to mention that snorting it can’t be good for you) and Margie kept trying to correct him. Doing her eyebrows black, Luke made them so thick she started looking like Groucho Marx. The pink eyeshadow also didn’t go well, and Margie thought she looked like Alice Cooper, and then a drag queen (which was appropriate!) Luke got sick of Margie telling him what to do and finally said "I’m finished." He settled down, though and finished the "makeup" job.

Cara & Jamie are having problems with the cab driver once again, explaining that they needed to go to the Opera House by singing opera to him. They got their point across - sort of. He dropped them off at the National Opera and the woman inside read their clue, telling them they needed to go to the Beijing Opera. Tsk, tsk, foiled by another cab driver who doesn’t like being yelled at like he’s a total idiot.

Tammy & Victor opened their clue which told them to go on foot to Wen Chang Ge. Asking a local, he pointed to the building they just came out of, so they went into another door and there was the U-Turn. This one wasn’t blind, so they U-Turned Kisha & Jen and wrote a note to them on the picture: "Sorry! We can’t outrun you!!" Now that’s the way to U-Turn someone, using it not only to delay your toughest competitors (although KIsha & Jen only came in first place one time, as opposed to Margie & Luke) but apologize while you’re at it. It seemed no matter what team got there first, Kisha & Jen were doomed because the other two teams wanted to U-Turn them as well (although Margie & Luke made it personal, which was getting a bit tiring listening to them harp about Kisha & Jen through this whole leg of the Race). The clue told Tammy & Victor to go to Dong Hua Men Yi Shi Market for their next clue.

Kisha & Jen took a bow on the opera stage and got their next clue. They started wandering the streets to look for Wen Chang Ge, and were shortly joined by Margie & Luke. It seemed none of the locals knew where they should go so the teams pretty much wandered the streets asking anyone who would listen where this place was. As Victor noted at the restaurant, the slightest inflection can change a word, so their pronunciation of "Wen Chang Ge" could have translated to "I Want Sex" or "You Are Ugly" and they could have been walking around insulting an entire nation. Any wonder why they couldn’t get anyone to help direct them?

Back at the National Opera, Cara & Jamie are having problems - again - getting a cab. If it weren’t so obnoxious, Jamie’s hissy fits would actually be funny. But again, she’s promoting the "angry American" stereotype better than anyone on earth!

Victor & Tammy get to the market to find a Roadblock. In it, one team member had to eat a plate of fried Chinese delicacies including grasshoppers, larvae, scorpions, and starfish. Once they finished their plate, teams would receive their next clue. Victor grabbed his plateful and was going to start eating when the counter guy caught him, saying "we have to fry it first." (I would think it’s bad enough fried, but eating it raw? Oh, gross. I was laughing with friends yesterday about how deep frying makes anything taste good, but we’ll have to ask Victor if that counts for larvae as much as it counts for cauliflower). Victor started munching away, saying that it was "hard to keep down." He did really well with the mind-over-matter attitude, telling Tammy not to remind him that it should be gross and munching away. (I’m getting queasy again, I really don’t like these kind of challenges, eating bugs and camel noses and stuff.)

Cara & Jamie are still trying to find a taxi, now accusing that "they know the word "taxi," they just play dumb." I’m thinking by this time, all the cabbies in China have spread the word that the two American redheads are total bitches and "whatever you do, don’t pick them up." They did manage to find a cab (probably a brand-new driver, and we know the new guy always gets screwed) and get to the Opera, get their makeup and costumes on and get their clue. Margie & Luke and Kisha & Jen were still wandering the streets. Margie & Luke got a local to walk with them, ending up pretty much back where they started and finding the U-Turn. They took off for the Market as Kisha & Jen decided to go back to the beginning and retrace their steps, and finding their destination and noticing that they’d been U-Turned by Tammy & Victor. I give them credit for not getting snarky about it, just deciding to get the task over with and keep plugging along.

It was hysterical, seeing what Kisha & Jen’s pronunciations of the dishes translated to"
Monthly Use Taiwanese Chicken., Good Western Heads Lack Fish, Oil Comes Again to Please the Mouth, Good Doll Basket Drum, Light Competition Red Dishes I’ve Played Before. I’m sure the chef finally let them think they got it right - Mandarin Chinese is one of the hardest languages on earth (see Victor’s comment) and I honestly believe that Kisha & Jen could still be there now, pronouncing stuff over and over again and never getting it right. (Although I’m sure the translations would be a good laugh - to me, anyway.)

Cara & Jamie are still wandering the streets, snarking at locals who don’t speak English and now beginning to snark at each other. Jamie decided "China sucks!" The arguments started when they decided to go back to the Opera House and start all over, then found the U-Turn easily and Jamie jumped all over Cara that it was her fault they didn’t find it sooner.

Tammy & Victor were told to go to Niao Chao, which was the "bird’s nest" building during the Olympics and was the next Pit Stop. Having been at the Olympics Tammy & Victor made it easily and arrived at the Mat in first place.

Margie decided to do the Roadblock at the Market, asking the counter guy to fry her critters "extra crispy please!" Margie finished her "delicacies" and they got to the Mat in second place. (One thing I noticed - Phil signs at the Mat for Luke, which is nice, but he also talks a lot louder, like Luke will be able to hear him).

Kisha & Jen get to the Market and Jen starts eating. Kisha asks her "Does it taste like chicken?" but Jen doesn’t look too pleased, sucking water with each bite of "food" so she can wash it down. Cara & Jamie showed up, starting to feel like they have a shot. Cara sees Jen eating slow and starts chowing, slamming the food in her mouth and chewing quickly. Seeing Jen get sick, Jamie eggs Cara on, telling her "you’re an animal!" and "you’re eating it like it’s a steak!" Jen managed to finish and they got their clue, but Jamie kept Cara motivated, telling her the sisters couldn’t find a cab, "we’re still in this." Jen mentions that she has to pee really bad after drinking four bottles of water to choke down the food. She says "Jen about to run a 100 in nine seconds cuz she got to pee." Looking really pained at the Bird’s Nest, Kisha spots some porta potties and Jen rushes into one. This was her million-dollar decision, because Cara & Jamie used that opportunity to beat them to the Mat by seconds. Phil, trying to be cute, said "I’m sorry to tell you ... you’re going to have to keep racing." (And Phil? They wouldn't be sorry to keep racing for a million bucks!)

So Kisha & Jen got eliminated, and Jen said, "I feel guilty. I had to use the bathroom." Kisha disagreed, saying they didn’t lose because of her little sister but "she’s a big part of why we got this far." And the debates started in every household watching the show - should she have peed in her Chinese costume and gone for the million?

So the finale is next week - who will manage to take first? The previews showed Cara & Jamie and Victor & Tammy in bikinis on a Hawaiian beach, trying to carry a dead pig on a stick. I’m hoping Margie won’t be wearing a bikini.....