The Detectives Kick More Butt!

Tonight’s leg of the Race shows us some beautiful French countryside - and how dumb our Racers are. Between not knowing Joan of Arc is a woman and mashing a front bumper, this group of Amazing Race teams make me wonder how they manage to get through a day, let alone a Race!

Louie & Michael depart at 7:47 a.m. and must drive themselves to the city of Reims, France, which was liberated from the Germans by Joan of Arc. They’ll have to find the outdoor Joan of Arc statue and a street musician for their next clue. The clue tells them to “listen to what you saw” which gives them a clue as to the type of musician they’re looking for. As the teams leave they’re complaining about the cold weather. Jet & Cord have no idea where they’re going, so they’re going to “look for a 7-11" to get directions.

Dan & Jordan stop a local asking about the whereabouts of the statue. In a heavily-accented English, she tells them “cathedral” which the brothers translate as “Cathy Drone.” As they drive off, Dan complains that people “don’t speak good English here.” (With all the reports about rude French people, I think they’re lucky to find someone who will speak to them at all, let alone in English!) Louie & Michael go to the Office of Tourism for directions and Steve & Allie find the square and a young woman playing a saw with a violin bow. Sounds like Bela Lugosi should be stepping out from behind her or something. She hands Steve & Allie a cork, which is stamped with Leclerc Briant champagne. Jet & Cord get to the square and decide that “they put statues in squares” and find the statue as Louie & Michael get there. The Cowboys just take off, saying that they passed a city called Champagne, and the Detectives go back to the Tourism office. Dan & Jordan run into them there as they ask about directions. As they drive to the next location, Jordan says “how do you make champagne? Is it just wine and you put club soda in it?” Brent & Caite finally leave and Caite, ever the nuclear physicist, asks Brent if Joan of Arc was the “guy with all the animals.” (Yes, there are some very stupid people on this Race).

At the Leclerc Briant Champagne location, their clue is a Roadblock. “Who is ready to cave in?” The team member must rappel down 100 feet into the cave where they store the champagne. Once down there, they must find a marked bottle of champagne (among the thousands), slice off the cork with a saber, and their next clue will shoot out with the champagne. Jordan decides to do the challenge, saying he’s going to “pee myself.” He needs many assurances from the gentleman buckling him in, as Louie waits his turn. Jordan is crawling among the racks looking for the marked bottle, saying it’s harder than it seems. In the meantime, Jet & Cord stop for directions and find out they’ve gone to the wrong town, about 60 kilometers out of their way.

Jordan finds his bottle and heads up the stairs (no elevator?) to his brother. A winery guy shows them how to cut the cork off and jumps as Jordan hacks the bottle with the saber. The clue tells them to go to Taittinger La Marquetterie for their next clue.

Louie searches the cave for the marked bottle as Steve is lowered down. We then see Brent & Caite in a square (not the right one) and there is a statue with a man and animals, making Caite think she was right anyway. She keeps thinking that Joan of Arc is a man until Brent reminds her they are talking about “Joan.” Louie finds his bottle and Steve is examining the bottles as if the marker will be a pinpoint size. He gets his bottle and they leave as Carol & Brandy get to the winery. Brandy decides to do the task and Carol remarks that “hopefully she’s not in a piss poor mood when she gets done.”

Dan & Jordan stop and ask for help to find their next location and are told that they need to go to Reims again. In the meantime, Michael & Louie are told it is in Pierry, and the locals helping offer to let the Detectives follow them. Carol & Brandy are also told that the location is in Pierry. Jet & Cord finally make it to the winery and realize that there are four teams ahead of them. Asking a local for help, they are told to go to Reims. We find out that the Taittinger La Marquetterie is a chateau in Pierry as the Detectives find the clue box - a Detour: Tower or Terra. In Tower, teams must use 680 champagne glasses and stack them so there is one glass on top, to be filled with champagne. They will then get their clue. For Terra, they must look through a square kilometer for a tiny cluster of grapes marked with Race colors. Once they take the grapes to the foreman, they will get their clue.

Michael & Louie, saying they are “bulls in a China shop” decide to look for the grapes. Dan & Jordan get to the Taittinger in Reims but are told that what they’re looking for is a mansion in Pierry, which is a little village close to Epernay. Brent & Caite get to the winery, Brent rappels down and finds a bottle and they leave before Jordan & Jeff get there. Steve & Allie get to Reims and find out they’re not in the right place either, and to boot, Steve runs into something while parking and mashes up the front bumper of the car. As they drive off they can hear the broken piece rubbing on the tire as they drive, so they stop to try and pull it off. It’s stuck pretty good so instead of pulling it off, Allie gets duct tape out of Steve’s bag and they tape it up. Steve credits his wife with throwing the roll of duct tape in his backpack. Jordan finishes the champagne task, getting the clue and taking a sip of champagne. We see Brent & Caite getting erroneous directions to Reims for the Taittinger.

Michael & Louie use their detective skills to do a grid search in the vineyard, and Michael finds the marked grapes. “If I can find crack in someone’s rear end, I can find grapes in a vineyard.” (Okay?) They must now drive to the next Pit Stop, L’orrca, the administrative building in Champagne, France.

Jet & Cord find out they’ve gone to the wrong place. They interview that people pay thousands to get the tour they’ve had today, and they did it for free, in a Mercedes. Dan & Jordan get to the Detour and decide to try Tower, because they’ve seen “a few champagne towers at bar and bat mitzvahs” in their day.

Phil is standing at the Mat with a mime, who looks rather scary, and is holding a sign saying “welcome.” Michael & Louie find out they are team number one yet again. Carol & Brandy search the vineyard and find the marked grapes. Steve & Allie arrive and decide to search for grapes as well, as Dan & Jordan stack their glasses and Jordan wants to do so to the beat of the chamber music being played. (*rolling eyes*) Brent & Caite see Carol & Brandy asking a cop for directions to the Pit Stop and decide to follow the lesbians, and realize they’re in trouble once they get to the Mat because they didn’t get a Detour clue yet.

Steve & Allie find the marked grapes as Jeff & Jordan get to Reims and find out they’re in the wrong place. Brent & Caite go looking for grapes as Caite complains that Brent always picks what he thinks is the easiest (and this time, at least, he’s right). We see Dan & Jordan struggling to get their glasses piled up 16 layers high and having trouble, as Jet & Cord get to the Detour and decide to look for grapes as well.

Steve & Allie get to the Mat in third, and Steve tells Phil that their car needs looking at - “I hope you’re insured.” Phil looks as if he’ll be telling them the cost of any repairs will come out of their ass. Brent & Caite see the Cowboys find their bunch of grapes and Caite tries to convince Brent to go and stack glasses. They start bickering about whose fault it is that they can’t find the grapes.

Dan & Jordan have finished stacking glasses (their way, with the top four layers having only one glass each) and are given a huge bottle of champagne to pour into the glasses. Dan mutters that he wishes he were taller and gets on a chair to pour the champagne. The brothers are pretty nervous about pouring their champagne and how sturdy their tower is, but manage to get the whole bottle poured and get their clue. They interview how they will be available to build champagne towers but that they will be “very expensive.” They celebrate by drinking a glass of champagne and pronounce it very good. Brent & Caite decide to change to the Tower challenge and get their glasses stacked, still bickering all the way. Brent pours the champagne but about halfway through the bottle, the glasses started falling and they go back to look for grapes. Jeff & Jordan get to the winery and see another car and a team looking in the vineyard, and decide that maybe they couldn’t find the grapes and decide to try the Tower. Jordan says it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be “in a pyramid.” Of course, we then see the glasses falling and Jeff & Jordan running out to the vineyard to search for grapes. It gets dark and they’re using flashlights and passing up marked clumps of grapes - but then Jordan finds one and off they go to the Pit Stop. They get to the Mat and Phil tells them they’ve been eliminated.

So here’s the order of finish:

1 - Michael & Louie
2 - Carol & Brandy
3 - Steve & Allie
4 - Jet & Cord
5 - Dan & Jordan
6 - Brent & Caite
7 - Jeff & Jordan (eliminated)

Are the Detectives unbeatable? Can the Cowboys get back their mojo and surge ahead again? The herd is thinning - do you have a favorite for the million?