The Detectives Kick More Butt!

Tonight’s leg of the Race shows us some beautiful French countryside - and how dumb our Racers are. Between not knowing Joan of Arc is a woman and mashing a front bumper, this group of Amazing Race teams make me wonder how they manage to get through a day, let alone a Race!

Louie & Michael depart at 7:47 a.m. and must drive themselves to the city of Reims, France, which was liberated from the Germans by Joan of Arc. They’ll have to find the outdoor Joan of Arc statue and a street musician for their next clue. The clue tells them to “listen to what you saw” which gives them a clue as to the type of musician they’re looking for. As the teams leave they’re complaining about the cold weather. Jet & Cord have no idea where they’re going, so they’re going to “look for a 7-11" to get directions.

Dan & Jordan stop a local asking about the whereabouts of the statue. In a heavily-accented English, she tells them “cathedral” which the brothers translate as “Cathy Drone.” As they drive off, Dan complains that people “don’t speak good English here.” (With all the reports about rude French people, I think they’re lucky to find someone who will speak to them at all, let alone in English!) Louie & Michael go to the Office of Tourism for directions and Steve & Allie find the square and a young woman playing a saw with a violin bow. Sounds like Bela Lugosi should be stepping out from behind her or something. She hands Steve & Allie a cork, which is stamped with Leclerc Briant champagne. Jet & Cord get to the square and decide that “they put statues in squares” and find the statue as Louie & Michael get there. The Cowboys just take off, saying that they passed a city called Champagne, and the Detectives go back to the Tourism office. Dan & Jordan run into them there as they ask about directions. As they drive to the next location, Jordan says “how do you make champagne? Is it just wine and you put club soda in it?” Brent & Caite finally leave and Caite, ever the nuclear physicist, asks Brent if Joan of Arc was the “guy with all the animals.” (Yes, there are some very stupid people on this Race).

At the Leclerc Briant Champagne location, their clue is a Roadblock. “Who is ready to cave in?” The team member must rappel down 100 feet into the cave where they store the champagne. Once down there, they must find a marked bottle of champagne (among the thousands), slice off the cork with a saber, and their next clue will shoot out with the champagne. Jordan decides to do the challenge, saying he’s going to “pee myself.” He needs many assurances from the gentleman buckling him in, as Louie waits his turn. Jordan is crawling among the racks looking for the marked bottle, saying it’s harder than it seems. In the meantime, Jet & Cord stop for directions and find out they’ve gone to the wrong town, about 60 kilometers out of their way.

Jordan finds his bottle and heads up the stairs (no elevator?) to his brother. A winery guy shows them how to cut the cork off and jumps as Jordan hacks the bottle with the saber. The clue tells them to go to Taittinger La Marquetterie for their next clue.

Louie searches the cave for the marked bottle as Steve is lowered down. We then see Brent & Caite in a square (not the right one) and there is a statue with a man and animals, making Caite think she was right anyway. She keeps thinking that Joan of Arc is a man until Brent reminds her they are talking about “Joan.” Louie finds his bottle and Steve is examining the bottles as if the marker will be a pinpoint size. He gets his bottle and they leave as Carol & Brandy get to the winery. Brandy decides to do the task and Carol remarks that “hopefully she’s not in a piss poor mood when she gets done.”

Dan & Jordan stop and ask for help to find their next location and are told that they need to go to Reims again. In the meantime, Michael & Louie are told it is in Pierry, and the locals helping offer to let the Detectives follow them. Carol & Brandy are also told that the location is in Pierry. Jet & Cord finally make it to the winery and realize that there are four teams ahead of them. Asking a local for help, they are told to go to Reims. We find out that the Taittinger La Marquetterie is a chateau in Pierry as the Detectives find the clue box - a Detour: Tower or Terra. In Tower, teams must use 680 champagne glasses and stack them so there is one glass on top, to be filled with champagne. They will then get their clue. For Terra, they must look through a square kilometer for a tiny cluster of grapes marked with Race colors. Once they take the grapes to the foreman, they will get their clue.

Michael & Louie, saying they are “bulls in a China shop” decide to look for the grapes. Dan & Jordan get to the Taittinger in Reims but are told that what they’re looking for is a mansion in Pierry, which is a little village close to Epernay. Brent & Caite get to the winery, Brent rappels down and finds a bottle and they leave before Jordan & Jeff get there. Steve & Allie get to Reims and find out they’re not in the right place either, and to boot, Steve runs into something while parking and mashes up the front bumper of the car. As they drive off they can hear the broken piece rubbing on the tire as they drive, so they stop to try and pull it off. It’s stuck pretty good so instead of pulling it off, Allie gets duct tape out of Steve’s bag and they tape it up. Steve credits his wife with throwing the roll of duct tape in his backpack. Jordan finishes the champagne task, getting the clue and taking a sip of champagne. We see Brent & Caite getting erroneous directions to Reims for the Taittinger.

Michael & Louie use their detective skills to do a grid search in the vineyard, and Michael finds the marked grapes. “If I can find crack in someone’s rear end, I can find grapes in a vineyard.” (Okay?) They must now drive to the next Pit Stop, L’orrca, the administrative building in Champagne, France.

Jet & Cord find out they’ve gone to the wrong place. They interview that people pay thousands to get the tour they’ve had today, and they did it for free, in a Mercedes. Dan & Jordan get to the Detour and decide to try Tower, because they’ve seen “a few champagne towers at bar and bat mitzvahs” in their day.

Phil is standing at the Mat with a mime, who looks rather scary, and is holding a sign saying “welcome.” Michael & Louie find out they are team number one yet again. Carol & Brandy search the vineyard and find the marked grapes. Steve & Allie arrive and decide to search for grapes as well, as Dan & Jordan stack their glasses and Jordan wants to do so to the beat of the chamber music being played. (*rolling eyes*) Brent & Caite see Carol & Brandy asking a cop for directions to the Pit Stop and decide to follow the lesbians, and realize they’re in trouble once they get to the Mat because they didn’t get a Detour clue yet.

Steve & Allie find the marked grapes as Jeff & Jordan get to Reims and find out they’re in the wrong place. Brent & Caite go looking for grapes as Caite complains that Brent always picks what he thinks is the easiest (and this time, at least, he’s right). We see Dan & Jordan struggling to get their glasses piled up 16 layers high and having trouble, as Jet & Cord get to the Detour and decide to look for grapes as well.

Steve & Allie get to the Mat in third, and Steve tells Phil that their car needs looking at - “I hope you’re insured.” Phil looks as if he’ll be telling them the cost of any repairs will come out of their ass. Brent & Caite see the Cowboys find their bunch of grapes and Caite tries to convince Brent to go and stack glasses. They start bickering about whose fault it is that they can’t find the grapes.

Dan & Jordan have finished stacking glasses (their way, with the top four layers having only one glass each) and are given a huge bottle of champagne to pour into the glasses. Dan mutters that he wishes he were taller and gets on a chair to pour the champagne. The brothers are pretty nervous about pouring their champagne and how sturdy their tower is, but manage to get the whole bottle poured and get their clue. They interview how they will be available to build champagne towers but that they will be “very expensive.” They celebrate by drinking a glass of champagne and pronounce it very good. Brent & Caite decide to change to the Tower challenge and get their glasses stacked, still bickering all the way. Brent pours the champagne but about halfway through the bottle, the glasses started falling and they go back to look for grapes. Jeff & Jordan get to the winery and see another car and a team looking in the vineyard, and decide that maybe they couldn’t find the grapes and decide to try the Tower. Jordan says it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be “in a pyramid.” Of course, we then see the glasses falling and Jeff & Jordan running out to the vineyard to search for grapes. It gets dark and they’re using flashlights and passing up marked clumps of grapes - but then Jordan finds one and off they go to the Pit Stop. They get to the Mat and Phil tells them they’ve been eliminated.

So here’s the order of finish:

1 - Michael & Louie
2 - Carol & Brandy
3 - Steve & Allie
4 - Jet & Cord
5 - Dan & Jordan
6 - Brent & Caite
7 - Jeff & Jordan (eliminated)

Are the Detectives unbeatable? Can the Cowboys get back their mojo and surge ahead again? The herd is thinning - do you have a favorite for the million?

A U-Turn and Morse Code Sink Joe & Heidi

Please excuse the lateness of the recap – I was on a train to New York state to spend the week with my just-turned-one grandchild (and her parents). I don’t have a laptop (although my TiVo is right next to my desktop at home) and it’s nice to be able to sit in the big recliner with their laptop, and a kitty on my legs, typing as I watch. With my angelic, beautiful granddaughter Hayley sleeping in her room after getting to see her first steps today! (ahhh, life is good.)

The teams begin in Hamburg, Germany but don’t start in Hamburg. Now that I’ve got your attention: (and no, Brent is not wearing his stupid off on me) the Pit Stop was in Hamburg but the teams boarded a bus and were taken to another “unnamed, secret” location to begin the next leg of the Race. Jeff & Jordan are determined not to be last again. Joe & Heidi talk about Joe’s bad knee and state that they’ve done really well even with Joe’s gimpy leg. The Detectives take offense, saying that there are other teams in this competition.

Michael & Louis get to leave first from what they think is France (using their highly honed detective skills they have surmised that they went south and west on the bus). From their “secret location” they are to drive themselves to the city of Ste Menehould and find the Boulangerie Defontaine and purchase a baguette to get their next clue. They stop and ask a postal worker for help with directions which turns out to be a good idea because they were headed the wrong way. Steve & Allie leave second, with Steve saying he feels a lot younger than he is, and Allie says “he’s rocking it!” As Jet & Cord take off from the start, they can’t figure out what a baguette is, but surmise it’s in the pastry family and wonder if they can eat it.

At the bakery, Michael & Louie get their baguette and ask the gentleman if he has a clue for them. Michael is breaking the bread in half as he asks and sees a piece of paper sticking out – their clue. (That would not be my first instinct, to break the bread in half. I would think that I would have to take it to the next location…but then, I guess there wouldn’t be one because I’d be sitting at the bakery waiting for my next clue! Okay, I guess I just wouldn’t cut it on this Race). The paper tells them to go to La Main De Massiges for their next clue. Louie thinks they’ll be getting a massage, but Michael says that would be too easy (you got it, buddy). Brent & Caite leave and ask someone for directions, and talk about how they’re doing things great but keep getting lost – “we think we know where we’re going but we don’t.”

Michael & Louie get to the correct location and find a Detour: In the Trenches or Under Fire. The location they are at was a site of a vicious battle during WWII between the French and the Germans. In the Trenches has them dress in American Doughboy uniforms (hey! That was our school mascot name – Doughboys. I always thought that was really weird and wished we could be tigers or something less dorky sounding) and go through the trenches built to find a communication device. Using a field manual, they must translate a message in Morse Code. For Under Fire, they must crawl in a muddy field under barbed wire to get a message from a French officer. In both tasks, once they get their messages they must attach them to a pigeon and they will get their next clue. Michael & Louie opt for Under Fire.

All the other teams get to the bakery and figure out the clue is in the baguette, and all are appreciative of its good taste. The Cowboys decide they have to step it up because Carol & Brandy were ten minutes behind and they arrive at the same time. Jeff & Jordan are finally leaving and talk about how they are still the team to beat – and then promptly get lost and start bickering about directions. They’re driving around in circles.

Back at the war field, Michael & Louie are watching the planes coming in really close and “bombs” going off and spewing dirt everywhere. Louie is huffing and puffing but happy that Michael is there to motivate him. Steve & Allie and Joe & Heidi show up and decide on Under Fire too. Louie is panting as they get their message and Michael wisely tells him to catch his breath before they go back (or Louie has a stroke). On their way back, Michael & Louie crawl past the two other teams. (Seeing this, I’m wondering if anyone has a possibility of war flashbacks – Steve, or one of the detectives may be old enough. Hopefully their rifles have blanks loaded!!)

Carol & Brandy and Dan & Jordan are going Under Fire as well, with the girls yammering about the uniforms and the hike. Jet & Cord aren’t far behind and decide that they don’t know Morse Code either so they will crawl.

Michael & Louie let their pigeon go and find out they must start walking down the road. They come to a Blind U-Turn, which allows them (if they choose to use it) to U-Turn any team and that team will not know who did it. The U-Turned team will have to go back and complete the other part of the Detour before they are able to move on. They discuss using the U-Turn on either Steve & Allie or Joe & Heidi, and ultimately choose Joe & Heidi because of Joe’s remarks on the bus earlier in the day, how he’s not worried about any teams in the Race. Louie decided Joe “needed to be taken down a peg.” Considering that Joe & Heidi may be the second team to the U-Turn I think they can figure out who did it.

We see Brent & Caite driving up to the battlefield and the planes flying, and Caite gets excited thinking they’ll be flying. (Nothing that cool, dippy girl!) As she gets changed she laughs that it seems as if she’s modeling Army clothes – “old Army clothes.” (Um, ok. WWII IS old!) Jordan and Dan decide that they are going to pretend that “the enemy is chasing us” and jog a little faster. Jordan then gets really tired and can’t keep up, and the brothers end up arguing. Carol & Brandy whine all the way about their uniforms.

Jeff & Jordan get to the bakery and Jeff proves once again what a dipwad he is. He gets the baguette and asks for the clue. Getting none from the shop owner, he re-reads his clue and then asks if the baguette is fresh. (No, you get a stale one. Doofus.) Jeff finally cracks his baguette in half and sees the paper inside. (And it just hit me. The paper clues inside the bread are encased in plastic. How did the plastic not melt when baked inside the bread?) Off Jeff & Jordan go again to get lost.

Joe & Heidi are indeed the second team to the clue down the road with Steve & Allie right behind. They see they’ve been U-Turned and are really bummed (of course). Steve & Allie shout encouragement to Joe & Heidi as they go on ahead. Heidi says she always thought the detectives were nice guys. (They still are, they’re just doing their best to win a million bucks. They did not cheat, but used a perfectly legit tool of the Race. Doesn’t mean they’re not nice, just …. Willing to do whatever it takes to win a million dollars!!!) Getting to the next clue box, Michael & Louie find out they have to change clothes yet again into period Tour de France uniforms and ride a bike through a 4-mile course to the Pit Stop.
Joe & Heidi are attempting to decipher the Morse Code and check to see if it is “Viva le Liberty” and it’s not. Carol is complaining about crawling around in the dirt, saying she never wanted to be a boy, she did not sign up for this, smart people do Morse Code. Caite passes the lesbian couple and it gives her motivation to move faster after the disparaging remarks Brandy & Carol made about Caite being a beauty pageant contestant. We see Steve & Allie riding off on their bikes and Allie has a moustache along with her uniform. Michael & Louie get to the Mat and Phil, and I see that while they both have their own moustaches, they have fake ones on too. Louie tells Phil “I’m gonna die” and is panting like he just might.
Dan & Jordan are leaving the battlefield and Jordan says he hates guns – he likes swords better. (Should I think that means something? Maybe I’m just looking too far into things….) Jet & Cord pass them up on the road saying that they want to get ahead and “I guess they’re happy with their position.” Dan & Jordan look ridiculous in their cycling outfits and moustaches, and Jordan asks “Do I look like Lance Armstrong or do I look like Lance Armstrong?” (Um, no.) Carol whines about biking, with Brandy telling her that she takes a spinning class so Carol should “kick my ass.” Carol thanks her for “that tone.” These women should just break up now before they kill each other!

Brent & Caite get their pigeon in the air and set off down the road. They are supposed to go southwest, and there is a sign with “N” and “S” pointing in the proper directions. Brent has a compass on his watch and Caite tells him to use it, and they see they are going north. They wander in the opposite direction down the road and Brent is wondering “if they meant south as a direction, or south, like, go that direction?” (Does this man even get through a day without someone telling him how to brush his hair? I think that has to be about the dumbest thing I’ve heard in multiple seasons of the Amazing Race. It’s so dumb I have no idea what he thinks he means by it!!)

Jordan is yapping all the bike ride to the Pit Stop and Dan is begging him to shut up. They manage to get to the Mat in fourth place. Jeff & Jordan are finally at the battlefield and get their Speed Bump. They must reinforce a wall of the trench with branches to get their next clue. Jordan’s shoes are too big and her hat keeps falling off, and she stops to fix things as Jeff tells her to get moving. They see Joe & Heidi there and Jeff is excited seeing another team, knowing they have a chance. Brent & Caite wander down the road and see the clue box by the church, and start off to the Pit Stop. (They’re gonna be pissed when they get to the Mat! Missing a clue gets Phil kinda cranky.) They arrive and Phil tells them they have to go back and read the clue. (I can almost figure out by Phil’s look that he agrees with me - they are amazingly stupid sometimes.) Joe & Heidi are still desperately trying to decode the message, coming up with all kinds of phrases and getting nowhere. Jeff & Jordan finish shoring up the wall and get the clue with the Detour and Jeff tells Jordan it’s her choice, and she chooses to crawl through the field. Jeff is trying to make her crawl a certain way to help time, getting overly frustrated. The message says “the war is over” and as they hand it to the soldier, “Brent says Because of this message or because it took us so long to get here?” They get their pigeon sent and take off, and see that Joe & Heidi were U-Turned, realizing they are still in the Race. Joe & Heidi take one more message to the soldier and find out they’re wrong yet again. It should have said “we will prevail, viva le France.” Joe says he’s not happy that they were U-Turned but they understand the rules and the Race. At least he’s graceful in losing!

So here’s our order of finish:

1- Michael & Louie
2- Steve & Allie
3- Jet & Cord
4- Dan & Jordan
5- Carol & Brandy
6- Brent & Caite (even after having to go back)
7- Jeff & Jordan
8- Joe & Heidi (eliminated)

Are Michael & Louie going to continue to kick butt or is another team due for a first place finish? We’ll find out next week!