Damn but it's cold! (Forgot my thermal underwear!)

Okay folks, better late than never … I had to scoot out of town last week Monday because my daughter in NY had baby Hayley Jane a bit earlier than expected. Mom & Baby are doing very well but of course, I’ve been busy playing Grandma.

The teams left the Pit Stop with directions to take the Trans-Siberian railroad to the city of Novosibirsk and race to the Puknte Technicheskovo Kontrolya for their clue. The Blondies Christie & Jodi were hoping to go somewhere warmer, but Christie didn’t have much hope, saying “any city with that many consonants in it isn’t warm.” Kisha & Jen left shortly after and thought about catching up to the Blondes but wondered “How do we know they’re going the right way?” They did end up walking together to the train station, complaining about the cold all the way. The one and only train to Novosibirsk left at 10:26 PM, meaning all the teams caught up at the train station. Mike mentioned that “the first will be last and the last will be first” prompting his preacher father Mel to say “he’s quoting the Bible! Praise the Lord!”

Everyone was happy that they got sleeper berths on the train – although Kisha did note that her feet hung off the end of the bed and they were bunk-style. “I better not sit up fast in the middle of the night or it’s all over” because there wasn’t much head room. Mike was telling Margie & Luke that he didn’t sleep well and Luke made motions as if he were crying. Mike told him “you’re going to create a whole new archetype, the sinister deaf kid.” He also remembered that they U-Turned the fast Amanda & Kris and said “I’ll just walk around limping so you don’t U-Turn us.” (Of course, it was never clarified whether Luke was being sarcastic or whether Mike just took it that way …. Although I’d go with sarcastic. Luke has a mean streak in there!)

Kisha & Jen were the first off the train but headed off in the opposite direction from the other teams and ended up being the last to grab a taxi. Cara & Jamie again teamed up with Margie & Luke and got to the clue box first, finding a Detour – Russian Bride or Russian Snowplow. “In Russian Bride, teams had to drive a car with four-speed manual transmission, known as a Lada, to a large Soviet-era apartment complex and search for one of the waiting brides. Once found, teams drive the bride across town to a church where her groom awaited. When the photographer snapped their wedding picture, the groom would hand teams their next clue. In Russian Snowplow, teams drove a Lada downtown to Stadium Spartak where they would each take a turn operating a cumbersome snowplow through a training course.”

Cara & Jamie and Margie & Luke decided to operate the snowplows when Tammy & Victor pulled up and asked which one they were doing. They all decided to stick together and find the location until a stop at a gas station for directions. Victor asked a cab driver and got directions while the Redheads asked the gas station attendant, who wasn’t very helpful – and deciding not to wait, Tammy & Victor took off. To their credit, Tammy said “we don’t have any alliances with other teams, but when we can work together we try to.” (And then say "screw you" and take off!) Margie & Luke see them take off and follow after them, hoping the Redheads were able to catch up. Tammy & Victor had to stop once again for directions and Margie & Luke caught up, but when Victor saw a local giving Margie directions to go straight, he called Tammy back to the car and they took off ahead again. The light dawned on Margie & Luke that they couldn’t really be trusted, and Luke said “Game on.” It turned out to be bad for Tammy & Victor because they got caught in traffic and ended up in a lane that wasn’t moving, allowing Cara & Jamie and Margie & Luke to beat them to the snowplows. The bad luck didn’t hold out though, because while the other teams were going to the wrong snowplows, Victor grabbed a correct one and got moving first. The team member not driving was told to hold a tiny paddle and direct the driver. (I wouldn’t have gotten in front of this massive machine coming at me, that’s for sure! Talk about trust!) Luke was gesturing wildly to Margie to get her to stay on the course and turn (not like those things turned very quickly either).

In the meantime, Mel & Mike and Christie & Jodi decided to look for brides. Christie & Jodi had problems finding the bride building so the Blondies asked directions of some locals and ended up with a bunch of drunken men who wanted to give them more than directions. The girls complained that “they smelled of vodka and had bad teeth.” Christie said that “one of them touched my butt and asked my name.” (Again, look at the Russian women. Why should she be surprised?) They ended up paying a cab driver to follow him and went to the wrong church. Their bride had no gloves or hat and just a small poncho-like coat over her gown, and the poor girl looked frozen by the time they got back in the car to find the right church. Christie mentioned that they would make lousy wedding planners, and that their bride was “freezing her ass off.” All of the brides driven by the teams looked a bit scared of their drivers (everyone had problems finding the church).

Mark & Michael, the stuntbrothers, decided that looking for brides was “too complicated, I don’t need to go looking for another bride” and opted for the machinery, blasting through the task with no problems. Kisha & Jen were getting farther behind because although they found their bride quickly, Jen had major problems driving the four-speed and kept stalling the car in intersections.

As everyone got done and got their next clue, it was hysterical to hear them try and pronounce it. I will not even try to spell it myself, this is copied from the CBS website: “they needed to drive to Gosudarstvennaya Publichnaya Nauchnaya Tekhnicheskaya Biblioteka, the largest library in Siberia.” (I’ll keep good ol’ USA style – “Public Library”).

Once at the library clue box, they found a Roadblock. “One team member had to partner with two local runners, and first warm up for a mandatory ten-minute period. Then, they had to participate in a winter run the way only the bravest locals do—in their underwear. With their Siberian partners, they had to run approximately 1.4 miles to the Novosibirsk Ballet and Opera Theater where their teammate who traveled there separately would be waiting for them. The reunited team would then go into the theater to find the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.” (The producers better have some really airtight papers for these people to sign – first bungee jumping off a dam, and now they have to run over a mile in their underwear at about 27 degrees???!!!! No freaking way!!) Luke was in great shape and aside from his embarrassment of running in his underwear – he said “I didn’t look at anyone so they wouldn’t look at me” – he sailed through the run and met his Mom at the Opera Theater to end up in first place. Cara ran off ahead of Tammy, but the run and the cold got to her and she had to walk which allowed Tammy to get ahead and second place for her and Victor. Mike offered to do the task and wasn’t thrilled with running in his underwear, although Mel definitely wouldn’t have made it between his groin and – well, I wouldn’t want to see him in his underwear!!!! Mike was sorry he wore his boots - his feet must have been in pain at the end of the run. The Blondies were having trouble again finding their destination but decided that they would stay calm because “it’s counterproductive to yell at each other.” (There is a definite lack of teams yelling at each other this season. Tammy could have gotten going really well with Victor but was the nice little sister … she said she was “going to be mean” if she had to but I think she’s gonna stick to being a wuss.) Mark the stuntguy ran the course and bragged how his Russian runners had to keep up with him. He did run very impressively, then blew it when they entered the Theater and went wandering around looking for Phil. Phil snapped his fingers (no help) and then whistled at the guys who finally noticed where they were supposed to be. Jen & Kisha had no problem with the task but Jen said “I had to put on underwear to run.” Christie ran the course with a blur on her butt because of her thong underwear, and Jodi had to get some medical attention because she slammed her finger in the car door. (With all the lecherous drunks in Siberia, Christie is lucky she finished the race instead of being carted off to some hovel somewhere!) In the end, the physically fit sisters Jen & Kisha beat out the Blondies to the finish. Luckily for Christie & Jodi, Phil told them it was a non-elimination leg and they would have to deal with a speed bump during the next leg. Christie was happy that “I didn’t have to run naked for nothing.”

So here’s how they finished:
1- Margie & Luke
2- Tammy & Victor
3- Cara & Jaime
4- Mel & Mike
5- Mark & Michael
6- Kisha & Jen
7- Christie & Jodi – not eliminated!

So! Will the Blondes be able to make up the time or are they goners? Can everyone stay happy and cooperative with each other or will Victor give Tammy a reason to kick his ass?

Deaf Guys Don't Finish Last - If They Can Help It!

Well, well. A bit of nastiness last night and one of the stronger teams, Amanda & Kris, are gone. I was thinking that the "Blind U-Turn" wasn’t all that - with teams not being able to know who U-Turned them, there wouldn’t be any resentment. But! Seeing Amanda & Kris thinking that Kisha & Jen or Christie & Jodi were the perpetrators (they weren’t) made me realize that it could create a whole lot more obnoxiousness between the teams. The U-Turned team wouldn’t necessarily believe their suspects when the suspects denied involvement ... and you’ve got all kinds of revenge scenarios to imagine! Besides, who would think the loveable deaf guy could be that evil? Well, after last night, we see the other side of Luke!

The teams left from their Pit Stop in Romania/Transylvania cottage - was it just me or did that place look awfully small for 8 teams? Mike called his father ''part Woody Allen, part Billy Graham, and a splash of Judy Garland.'' (Sorry, that really scares me. Really.) They were to fly to Siberia, and then take a taxi to a famous dam for their next clue. (Another bungee jump, perhaps?) Getting their first clues, the teams showed that while they may be athletic and able to organize flights, they were no scholars - or even C-students. Kisha said all she knew about Siberia was that "they have Siberian tigers" and Mark & Michael couldn’t even pronounce Siberia. (Look, I get that some of the city names are impossible to figure out. But "Siberia?" Gimme a break!) Then, Christie & Jodi, who at times make you forget they are blonde, get to the dam and see a drawing of Lenin on a wall and don’t know who it is - Christie figured it was "the guy who built the dam," and Jodi said he was "a bad dictator dude." (*rolling eyes*)

Mark & Michael borrowed their cabbie’s phone to call the airport, and I guess he dialed it as he gave it to them, because at the same time Cara & Jamie were borrowing their cabbie’s phone, and it rang. Cara (Jamie? Haven’t figured out which is which yet, sorry) answered, realized it was one of the teams asking if this was Lufthansa Airways, and played along, trying not to bust out laughing. Mark thought it was odd that the "agent" on the phone sounded very American but kept trying to get a reservation, and Cara told him that there were only business seats available on the only flight to Moscow before she hung up on him.

All the teams left at pretty much the same time on their way to the connecting flight in Moscow on a variety of flights. Only one flight made it in time to connect with the Siberian plane, and Kisha & Jen, Christie & Jodi, and Mark & Michael were the three lucky teams that made that plane. The clue gave them a Detour - Stack or Construct. Stack had the teams stacking a full cord of firewood; Construct had them going to a shop, building some shutters, then going through the neighborhood looking for the house with a sign saying "needs repairs" so they could install the shutters. All three teams decided to go for Stack and were greeted by a group of locals, sitting and watching, playing music and singing, and - oh, yeah - drinking. Lots. (This seems to be a theme with this year’s show - we Americans may be shown to be dumb, but so far all the locals in the various countries are a bunch of drunks. They sit around, drink, and laugh - "Look at those funny Americans!")

As the stacks started to go up, the girl teams talked a good game - all about "girl power" (but thankfully no whining about their manicures being ruined). There was another theme for the night - there was a lot of smack from all the girl teams about how they could stack wood "without a man to help" and how ''Pretty powerful beavers made that dam. They must be females!'' Yeah, yeah, you go girls. Mark & Michael finally found the Stack site and it hit me that the stacks were about twice their height - would they be supplied with step stools to finish the task? It turns out that it was a moot point, because their stack collapsed into the sample stack behind it, and they were told they would have to fix them both to finish the task - so they decided to go construct. (In the meantime, the girls stacked away, watched by the rowdy locals who have now added eating pickles to their vodka and laughter. I think the producers discovered last season that it was fun to watch locals rolling in laughter at the Americans trying to manage the "local custom" tasks - remember our Frat Guys marching?) Kisha & Jen finished their stack first, followed shortly by Christie & Jodi - and as the big Russian dude was giving Jodi the clue, he told her "you cute girl - the best" and scooped her up in a bear hug. (He was probably just checking what a woman smelled like without vodka dripping from her pores.)

Mark & Michael decided to scoop up the parts for their shutters and construct them at the house where they were to install them rather than try and drag them through the streets fully constructed. Moot again, because they wandered around the village and didn’t see the signs at the houses, so they went back to the workshop where a local sat (so no one would steal the wood? To keep kids away? He looked like a child molester! That was one dour-looking, scary dude!) and started constructing their shutters. In the meantime, the other teams had arrived and all decided to Stack. All was going well (even with Cara & Jamie snarking about how Amanda was barking orders and Kris was doing all the work) when Mel & Mike, Amanda & Kris and Cara & Jamie watched their stacks go falling down. Cara & Jamie decided to give it another go while Mel & Mike and Amanda & Kris decided to switch and go Construct.

Kisha & Jen and the Blondies, meanwhile, get to the next clue box where they find the Blind U-Turn. They could force one team to go back and do the other Detour task, but unlike other seasons, would not have to reveal that it was they who U-Turned the team. Neither team decided to use it, feeling comfortably ahead enough. Margie & Luke got to the U-Turn and decided to help out their alliance of Cara & Jamie and U-Turn Amanda & Kris. Luke seemed to take some evil pride in doing so - he’s not doing much for his image, that man will never get a girlfriend after this! (Even though - it’s there. Why not use it? Amanda & Kris have shown themselves to be a strong team. The teams are there to win a MILLION DOLLARS, not make friends and impress people!) Tammy and Victor finished their stacking, chalking it up to "Asian engineering," and were off to the next task as well.

The clue told them to go to a Russian amusement park (for those who don’t drink enough vodka to be amused in that cold, gray city). They were to ride a single-car roller coaster and finish the course in 4 minutes or less, spotting letters along the way that were tacked to trees. Getting all the correct letters, they would then unscramble them to spell the name of a Russian playwright. Kisha had to make two runs after missing the "V" but she and Christie were pretty much neck-and-neck trying to figure out the name. Both were totally clueless (and while I wouldn’t have known it instantly, I would think after looking at the letters that "Chekhov" would have come pretty easily.) It seemed a little strange that after all that complaining about "not knowing nothing about no Russians" they both came up with the name on the first try.

Mel & Mike run into Mark & Michael near the workshop, where the stuntmen told Mel & Mike that they couldn’t find the house to install the shutters. Mel & Mike ask if they want to work together, first constructing the shutters, then looking for the houses together. (I did notice that the town was deserted - obviously no one wanted to live in a town of ugly, run-down houses unless they had brightly painted new shutters on them! There was a menacing dog that seemed to think that the short stuntmen looked like a good snack, though.) One of the team members says "it’s like we’re a caravan of idiots" which was proven when they couldn’t find the house - again - even though it was ten feet away and could have fallen over on them with a stiff wind.
Luke took five tries to get "Chekhov," getting more and more frustrated. Amanda likewise had major trouble, while Victor kept the Asians-are-really-smart stereotype alive and nailed it immediately. Jamie "took a stab" at the name and managed to get it right on the first try. Amanda & Kris finished Constructing and got to the U-Turn, blaming it on the Blondies or Kisha & Jen, but totally letting Margie & Luke off the hook, saying that "Margie & Luke probably feel so bad for us." My, my, the deaf guy gets a pass, after all, deafness takes out the evil gene, too!
All the teams get to Phil at the Mat except Mark & Michael and Amanda & Kris - and I was thinking that Amanda & Kris were too far back to make it - until Mark & Michael get to the Pit Stop location and an $8000 ruble cab fare with only $5000 on them. Trying to figure out what to do, they offer the cabbie their watches - until the cabbie shows them his Rolex. They tried offering their jackets (and the cabbie looked too old to have kids at the age to fit in the jackets) but no go. I’m surprised the cabbie doesn’t expect their camera crews to kick in (after all, they’re in the cab too - don’t they charge extra for extra riders? With cameras and microphones?) but he finally lets them go and they beat Amanda & Kris to the Mat. Amanda & Kris are disappointed but say that they are "closer than ever" and express undying love for each other. They did work well together and seem very compatible, so good luck kids!

Here’s the order of the finish:
1 - Christie & Jodi
2 - Kisha & Jen
3 - Tammy & Victor
4 - Margie & Luke
5 - Cara & Jamie
6 - Mel & Mike
7 - Mark & Michael
8 - Amanda & Kris - eliminated

So would you have used the U-Turn or are Margie & Luke evil and nasty? Bummed that Amanda & Kris are gone? With yet another different team coming in first, is there a sure winner? Let's talk!