Gorilla!! Tiger!! And Down She Goes!

Mel & Mike was probably one of the most-liked teams this season - by viewers and other teams, too - but they went down in flames because they trusted their cab driver to know where a giant gorilla was. Unfortunately, they couldn’t make up the time and ended up eliminated.

Our teams find out they are flying to Phuket, Thailand and the only clue as to their destination is a photo of a giant gorilla statue. This should be interesting! They are going to have to find someone in Thailand who can tell them where the gorilla is. I can just see Cara & Jamie running around trying to speak English to people who don’t speak English and getting ticked because they don’t speak English in Thailand! In their interview at the beginning of the show they admit that they don’t have the most patience and the language barrier is a major part of that impatience. I think it comes off more as bitchiness, actually, and these two are really starting to bug me. They really give the "ugly American" idea some credence. Then you turn around and see Kisha & Jen feeling so bad for the starving kids as they leave India that they give some kids money.

All the teams get on the same flight and land together in Phuket. Mark & Michael get moving first while Mel & Mike can’t get a taxi and end up leaving the airport in last place. The taxi they finally do get ends up being their downfall, because the taxi driver told them the gorilla was at Patong Beach. All the other teams end up stopping in the same part of the city to ask locals if they know where the statue is, showing the photo and yelling, "Gorilla? Gorilla?" Finding out it was the Phuket Zoo, the teams took off in their cabs as Mel & Mike passed them in their cab. Mike noticed the other teams going in the opposite direction, and realizes that one way is wrong: "We’re either going to get behind or get ahead." (What else can they get? Oh, a Thai massage, like Mel suggested they do if they end up totally lost and out of the Race).

The teams at the Zoo start racing around looking for the giant gorilla. Cara & Jamie are the first team there and although they try and sneak the clue away from the location, Mark & Michael see them and find the gorilla as well. The clue told the teams they had to "first take a picture with Esso the tiger. Then, they had to take part in a typical Thai performance, in which they had to lie on the ground while elephants stepped and squatted over them." (Oh yeah, just wait for the squatting!) They would then have to go back to the Tiger and get their developed photo along with their next clue. Mark & Michael go dashing off, yelling "Tiger? Tiger?" to anyone who would listen for help finding the tiger. When they got there, they see that the tiger handler has only one arm and are understandably nervous, but I’m jealous of the photos with the tiger. It must have been neat (once they got over the paranoia!) Kisha & Jen laughed that "If the tiger didn’t eat Mark & Michael, he won’t eat us," saying that the stunt brothers are "bite-sized." The teams raced off to find the elephants. They ended up lying on a mat on the ground on their stomachs while an elephant put his foot on their butts, walked over them, and then squatted over the person on the ground, looking like a) they were about to drown in elephant pee; b) they would be buried by elephant poo; or c) they would wish they were in prison, because Bubba wouldn’t do half as much to them as the elephant would have!!! I’m sorry, but simply walking over them and patting them on the butt was all I wanted to see the elephant do. It really was kinda - weird.

Mel & Mike, meanwhile, are wandering around the beach looking for the giant gorilla. They show the photo to a local, who tells them to go to the Phuket Zoo, and Mel says, "no, that’s not right" and goes off to find someone else to help him. After he hears this a couple more times he decides that maybe they’re right after all, and they leave for the Zoo.

The clue from the Zoo told the teams to find an herb shop where there would be 99 drawers, six of which held their next clue. They were to "ask the shopkeeper to open one of the 99 herb drawers in search of a clue. If they chose incorrectly, teams would have to keep guessing until they found their next clue." On the way to the herb shop, Cara & Jamie let us know that their nickname for the stunt guys is "the Tweedles," as in Tweedledee and Tweedledum, because "they talk and talk, like animated cartoon guys." (My nickname for Cara & Jamie is "Obnoxious Redheads" because they’re snotty to everyone who doesn’t speak English. So there!) Cara & Jamie reach the herb shop first and have the guy open one drawer before Mark & Michael show up. The shopkeeper motions that they will take turns picking drawers. Cara & Jamie start getting frustrated with the shopkeeper "because I don’t really think he spoke a lick of English." (Imagine! What nerve!) Mark & Michael get their clue and dash off, frustrating Jamie even more. At this point, they’re being so snotty to the Thai non-English-speaking shopkeeper that I’m happy to watch Tammy & Victor, Kisha & Jen, and Margie & Luke get in and get their clue before the Redheads, who have taken to yelling at the shopkeeper (yes, girls, that will really help!)

By this time, Mel & Mike have found the gorilla and are working their way to trying to catch up, knowing they’re hopelessly behind. At the herb shop, as the shopkeeper opens each drawer and they see it has no clue, they laugh and say, "no-o-o-o!" and direct him to the next drawer. It was really fun to watch, and a total contrast to the Obnoxious Redheads. Hopefully it helped the shopkeeper’s view of Americans!

The next clue was a Detour: 100 Barrels or 2 Miles. "In 100 Barrels, teams had to travel to a nearby harbor and work to prepare a fishing shop for ten days at sea. They needed to fill 47 barrels with enough drinking water to last the trip, and they had to move 53 of the empty fish barrels from the bottom deck to the roof arranging them properly for the journey. In 2 Miles, teams had to travel to a nearby temple and choose a rickshaw. In the event of a flat tire, pumps were provided for the teams. Then, while one team member sat in back, the other pulled the rickshaw and found their way two miles through the streets of Phuket to King Rama IX Park."
Mark & Michael decide to go for the rickshaws and when they get there, they see the tire pumps laying there by the rickshaws and fill up their flat tire. Then Mark grabs up all the tire pumps and puts them in the box nearby, making it not as obvious and hoping to delay the other teams with flats. I thought it wasn’t a bad idea - but stay tuned.....

They take off in their rickshaw, they spot their cab and figure they have to pay him anyway, so why not follow him to the Park? I thought that wasn’t a bad idea either - until Tammy & Victor get there and their driver offers to lead them and they read the clue better, which says they cannot hire someone to guide them. They have their driver draw them a map and then tell him to meet them at the Park. They did take off without their air pump, as did all the other teams, but no one got a flat anyway.

Margie & Luke are trying to find the 100 Barrels when they bump into Cara & Jamie, who are also lost. Cara & Jamie’s driver knows where the 2 Miles location is and they decide to switch tasks. Kisha & Jen aren’t doing great finding the Barrels either but stick with it and eventually find the location. In the meantime, Mark & Michael are cruising along in their rickshaw, trading places when the running brother gets tired and following their cab driver to the Park. Mel & Mike get through the drawers and decide to do 100 Barrels also. Victor pulls the rickshaw all they way, which is admirable, but then complains that his sister (his little sister, who is younger and smaller) was heavy. (Smack him once for me, Tammy!) Luke takes off in the rickshaw and Margie realizes that she can’t communicate with Luke, who is running in front of her and tipping the rickshaw so far up she’s almost falling out the back. Margie takes over for a little bit and I can only imagine how she feels (if I could actually run for any distance) in that Thailand heat. Cara is pulling Jamie in the rickshaw and Jamie is screeching at the locals for directions and none of them speak English either, damn them! (Methinks even if they did, they wouldn’t want to talk to her). Kisha & Jen decide to start with loading the empty barrels onto the roof and are almost done as Mel & Mike show up. Kisha then notices the hose with running water and realizes she could have been filling barrels while handing the empty ones up to Jen, which is what Mike does as he hands the barrels two at a time up to his dad on the roof of the boat. Victor & Tammy get to the park and drop their rickshaw at the entrance to the path, only to notice a sign down the way that tells them where to drop their rickshaws and have to go back to get it. Mark & Michael have finished their trek in the rickshaw and get to the Pit Stop, where Phil tells them yes, they are the first team to arrive but! They’ve incurred two 30-minute penalties: one for hiding the pumps and one for paying their cabbie to lead them to the Park. They sit over to the side and sulk, hoping no one shows up.

The teams finish their tasks and all start heading to the Pit Stop. Margie looks horrible in the cab, sweating and saying she has the chills, adding "this is the hottest place I’ve ever been" and "My hands are numb. I feel like I’m gonna pass out." Kisha gets a sneezing fit in the cab and Jen blesses her for the first two, then tells her to "shut up" after the third. (She had some funny noises while sneezing, too). As Mark & Michael have about 4 minutes left in their penalty, Victor & Tammy show up and are told they are the first place team and win a trip to Hawaii. Cara & Jamie show up shortly thereafter, grabbing second, and Mark & Michael end up in third, disappointed but happy to be in the top half of the finish. Margie & Luke show up and Phil tells her "the bionic woman has done it!" As they celebrate their finish, Margie gets wobbly on her legs and pretty much passes out. Phil and the crew members rush to bring her a chair and some water while poor Luke freaks out. They get her out of the sun and fan her a bit and give her water. Someone asks Margie if she wants an ambulance, and she tells them no - she’s embarrassed now. I’d get over that pretty quick after ending up okay! Phil mentions in his blog that "it must have been especially scary for Luke, because otherwise no one could communicate with him."

Kisha & Jen’s taxi dropped them off at the wrong location and they had to scramble for a ride. It looked as if they were sunk when they managed to hitch a ride in a van with other people and managed to get to the Mat before Mel & Mike, who were eliminated. Phil asks Mel "what’s special about your son?" and Mike groans "keep it together, Dad." They really did bond well on the Race and were one of the most likeable teams I’ve ever seen on the show. Too bad for them, really.

So! Now that the "good guys" are gone, who looks like they’ll make it? Will Jamie be murdered as she screams at more locals or will she actually find someone who speaks English and be happy? Will the stunt guys manage not to screw something up on the next leg? Stay tuned!

Camels and ... Nose Flutes??!

The Blondies Christie & Jodi had hope they could overcome their Speed Bump and they did an admirable job, but they couldn’t get over the slow taxi in the horrible traffic of India, and off they go. They were a very nice example of how to run a Race nicely, but proved that "nice girls finish last" - at least for this leg of the Race.

Leaving the Pit Stop, the teams were told to fly to India through Moscow to Jaipur, then taxi to find the Peepli Ka Pedh, or sacred tree, for their next clue. At the airport the teams discussed flights, but realized they would all be on the same flight to Jaipur. Mel & Mike noticed the airline sign and Mel said "Tell me, would you want to fly on an airline named Kacca?" (No, Mel, I wouldn’t!) Tammy & Victor got out of the airport first, followed by our Blondies (good start, ladies). After discussing their destination with their cab driver, Mel & Mike decided to find another cab who really knew where he was going, but the driver dashed off to find someone to give him directions. In the meantime, their bags were in the trunk and Mel & Mike were going nowhere until the driver came back. He did, with directions, but Mel was irritated that they were now leaving in last place. After urging the driver to catch up to the other teams, he said ''This race certainly isn't important enough to dehumanize somebody else by yelling and screaming at them, so I'm gonna feel bad about it for the rest of the day.'' (Let’s see, he doesn’t bother God for help in a reality race, he’s not yelling at cabbies ... what is this, "Let’s see how nice we can be on the Race?" There really are no nasty people this time out. Irritating know-it-all brothers, yes. Willing to U-Turn someone to get ahead, yes. Screamers - nope.) The good start of the Blondies got blown to bits when their cab had to stop for gas. Jodi wanted to know if they had "a hurry button."

All the teams noted how crazy the cab drivers were - as well as the rest of the drivers. It seemed lane markers were just a suggestion! Mark & Michael enjoyed the ride of their "insane" driver and everyone noticed the monkeys jumping from trees to buildings. The teams ended up driving through the slums of the city (no "Slum Dog Millionaire" references here, I never saw the movie). The conditions of the city and seeing children eating garbage and dogs, goats and cows roaming all over made some of the racers upset. Luke told Margie that he felt so bad for the kids, eating garbage and running around naked, crying at the sights. Jaime looked upset and crying as well, but then ends up on the opposite end of the spectrum when she yells at people for "not having the decency to speak English."

At the tree, two red phones sat near a group of "mystics" with instructions to call one of four numbers for instructions. Neither Tammy nor Victor could understand the voice, so they called Babu, their cab driver, to listen and got right out of there. They ended up passing the other teams going to the tree and grinned that they were in first place.

As the other teams came up to the tree, they pestered the mystics asking if they had a clue for them. They wandered in the area, looking for a clue box, moving rocks and branches. Mel asked "Why would mystic men sitting under a tree have a red phone?" but then kept looking. (DUH moment of the Race, so far!) Kisha & Jen noticed the phone and jumped on it, getting the clue and running back to their cab. Kisha asked her cabbie and said, ''Do you know 'A mad football?'' The cab driver looked at her and said ''Amber Fort? I understand.'' How on EARTH did he figure that out?

At the Amber Fort, the clue was a Roadblock. "In it, one team member had to choose a group of camels and, using a set of traditional tools, load and carry enough food and water to satisfy each of the camels in their group. Once the pile of food reached the designated line and the water spilled through a hole the trough, teams would receive their next clue." Victor grabbed the metal bucket that was to be used for the water to carry the camel feed, but then noticed the baskets and rakes nearby and got the feed stacked before the other teams showed up. They didn’t know what the task was before they volunteered, and Mel ended up doing this rather physical challenge, along with Jaime, Margie, Kisha and Mark. They saw Victor hauling water and everyone grabbed a bucket and followed suit. Mel’s son Mike fretted on the sideline, watching his dad go back and forth, saying "this isn’t a challenge for a 68-year-old." Mel was panting every step of the way. Mike said, "I can’t even watch any more. I know we’ll be here a half-hour after everyone else has gone." Well, Mr. Poopypants, your daddy was pretty smart! He actually read the clue and remembered that it said "use traditional native tools" and saw the huge baskets and rakes for use with the feed, while everyone else used their water buckets. The old man ended up beating all those 20-somethings and Mel & Mike took off to find the next clue. Christie & Jodi, getting there in last place, ended up getting ahead of the stunt guys Mark & Mike, giving themselves hope they could move up a little more. Jaime had to try and get the camel feed out of her shirt, saying "I used my boobies to transport the hay." I’m surprised Kisha didn’t have the same comment, because she stuffed her shirt with the feed and used the bucket to keep it in.

The clue had the teams cabbing it to a puppet store to the next clue box. It was a Detour: Movers or Shakers. "In Movers, teams had to travel to the Sanganeri Gate, where they needed to choose a cycle rickshaw loaded high with barrels. Then, they had to transport the barrels by pedaling one and a half miles through the congested streets of Jaipur to Zorawar Singh Gate, and search through their containers for a small metal elephant that they could exchange for their next clue. In Shakers, teams had to travel to a nearby busy intersection, put on traditional costumes and makeup, and join a Rajasthani dance troupe. Then, they had to go out in the streets and shake their hips for tips. After earning 100 rupees, they would receive their next clue." All the teams except Mark & Mike decide to be Shakers. As the teams got their makeup and costumes on, and Mark & Mike bicycled to their destination, Christie & Jodi got their Speed Bump, where they had to go and paint an elephant’s face for a festival. Watching Mark & Mike having trouble finding the little elephant in all that hay made me think they may actually have a shot at getting there ahead of at least one other team. All the "Shakers" seemed to have fun gathering rupees (although some of the dancing wasn’t even worth a half-rupee, if you ask me!) Luke had to watch Margie dance to get the rhythm, not being able to hear the music - and Margie was fun to watch, considering she had lipstick all over her teeth and is lucky the locals didn’t run screaming from her instead.

As Jaime & Cara finished their dance and turned in their money, they looked for their cab driver who had seemingly disappeared. Jaime started screaming to anyone who would listen, saying "he left with our bags! Did he steal our bags? Where did he go? Sightseeing? For a cup of coffee?" It was interesting that when Margie & Luke stopped to find out what was going on, and Jaime screamed to them, Luke told his mom "Let’s go." I guess she was yelling enough to give a deaf guy a headache. It turned out that they arrived at the Pit Stop with Kisha & Jen and Margie & Luke and lost to both teams in a foot race.

Arriving at the Mat, a gentleman was standing with Phil with two small flutes, and playing them with his nose. At least he didn’t have a cold, for chrissakes! How gross is that and why on earth do Indians play flutes with their noses???! Ewwww!

So, the teams ended up this way:
1 - Tammy & Victor
2 - Mel & Mike
3 - Kisha & Jen
4 - Margie & Luke
5 - Cara & Jaime
6 - Mark & Michael
7 - Christie & Jodi (eliminated)

So, folks, do you think Jaime will end up with a meltdown somewhere? On which leg do you think Mel will finally have a coronary? Is Victor’s happy-go-lucky attitude irritating you yet? And are you going to scour the Yellow Pages for someone to teach you to play the flute with your nose? Let’s talk!